- The first thing you must do is dispel the belief you have that to be short is in anyway to be handicapped. It is no more a disadvantage than, say, having only one leg, or parrots for hands. People will love you regardless of your stature.
- The Second thing you must do is LIE LIE LIE through your teeth about your height. No attractive woman will ever want to date you if she finds out that you’re short. While you’re at it, lie about everything else as well. “In for a penny, in for a pound” they say. Pretend to read books and enjoy the theatre. There are books you can get; “Books for dummies” (try the DVD version) and “Theatre for dummies”. They were written for you.
- Lift weights. Lots of weights. Take some steroids. Then lift lots more weights. This is just so that if you should get a date and she should ever talk to a taller guy you can sort him out. Well, probably you can’t, but it’ll make you feel bigger and confidence is attractive. Maybe shave your head too and tell women that you’re going in for the police force. That way they won’t guess that you were prematurely balding.
- Learn a magic Trick. Many short men learned early that wit, intelligence and charm would make their height a non-issue. Apparently you are not one of them. So take a moment and learn a simple magic trick that you can charm and baffle your date with. One of my favorites is where I appear to stuff a cocktail wiener up my nose and pop it out on my tongue. Once you’ve decided upon a trick you’d like to master, practice, practice and practice the trick some more before doing it on a date. I have a friend who attempted to do my wiener trick on a first date at the Metropolitan Grill without sufficient practice and he had to be taken to the hospital to have it removed. Needless to say the date was a bust.
- Get pictures of yourself that make you seem taller than in fact you really are. You can do this by going to Legoland in Europe and getting pictures of yourself taken in front of the smaller buildings. Talk about your love of horses and get your picture taken beside Shetland ponies. Trick out that Vespa to look like a Harley. Get a group shot of yourself surrounded by all your shorter friends.
- Move the webcam and a light source under the desk. This is great for when you go to initiate conversations with strange women with the webcam turned on, thereby surprising them with your bold sexuality.
The Date:
Of course, it only stands to follow that with so much deceit you’re bound to get a date. Now what? Here are a few tips to move things forward:
- Come clean to all your gay male friends whom you’ve been relying on for companionship and tell them you’re going to try and date a woman. Many of them probably aren’t really gay either. In any event if they’re really your friends they will be supportive of your decision.
- Time now to break open the piggy bank and look at spending some of that nest egg on either a) a leg lengthening operation, or b) a pair of stilts. If you’re only slightly short you might be able to get away with a pair of elevator shoes, but everyone else should seriously consider the first 2 options. If time is of the essence you could always show up to the date in a wheelchair and explain that you’ve been in a heli-skiing accident. This will make you seem adventurous and give your legs time to heal.
- Arrange to meet your date in a bar frequented by your shorter friends. Height, after all, is relative, and if you stack the bar beforehand you will in all likelihood seem taller.
FAQ:
Q) Your date wants to meet you in person
A) Sometimes it happens. First thing is not to worry too much about things that probably won’t ever happen. But if it does happen hopefully you will have followed my advice above about getting those legs lengthened. If you haven't there's still not much reason to panic as chances are high that it's one of your newly jilted male friends trying to get back at you.
Q) You’ve done all the above and your date is still taller than you. What should you do?
A) This is hardly a surprise, as you’ve been so obsessing about being short that you’ve subconsciously been drawn towards taller women. First thing, however, is to restrain yourself and DO NOT JUMP ON HER LEG. This is really not attractive unless done professionally or by a pet, and on the first date I don’t recommend you show up dressed as a pet. I will post tips on how to pull this off later. What you should do in this instance is blame your unexpected shortness on a variety of factors beyond your control. Maybe suggest that you’re just short at the moment because you need to be for an upcoming movie role. This will turn any potential criticism into an opportunity to discuss your film work.
Some men have written in to tell me that they blame the women for being so tall, and try to make her feel smaller. This is not an option that true Jedi's would consider for obvious reasons, unless they were on the dark side of the force. So forget I mentioned it.