While out thrifting I came across a treasure trove of old Lord of the Rings postcards. Ten cents apiece, and so I bought them all up, now - who to send them to?
I do miss the habit of writing, and seldom get letters (probably related to my lack of fixed address, surely not the letters I send out), and - you know - I could use a new pen-pal. And, coincidentally - it just happens to be Tolkien's birthday.
Hmmmm.
It doesn't take long.
Ken.
Ken has a double -no - triple - benefit - not only does he get the postcards, but being a local the postmaster - who doubtless reads the back of all the local postcards - and gossips to the locals - and the owner of the restaurant - who would be curious who's writing Ken and who picks up the postcards before delivering to Ken - why, I've tripled my audience!
Dear Ken,
- While action figures of the more popular characters do exist, we are unaware of anyplace that sells life size silicon realdolls of Frodo or Legolas.
- While we enjoyed your theory that "Gandalf the Grey" becomes "Santa Clause" after his encounter with the Balrog, we feel obliged to correct you. "Gandalf the Grey" became "Gandalf the White", Gandalf is a Wizard, Santa Clause is an Elf, and the 2 mythologies do not overlap. You will need to forward that list on again, a quick Google search should provide you the correct address.
- It is true that Galadriel and Legolas are both Elves. They unfortunately, however, do not know Santa Clause. Please see our previous note about how to go about addressing your Christmas requests.
- You are aware that this is just a story? Are you reading the books or watching the movies? In any event, Ken, we feel compelled to remind you that the people and events described are entirely fictitious.
- We do believe there was good reason J. R. R. Tolkien did not elaborate upon the sex lives of Dwarves and Hobbits. If you attempt to publish this piece of fan-fiction you've written and persist in using the names "Fili", "Kili", "Balin" and "Bilbo" we will be forced to litigate. End.
- While we appreciate your interest in portraying "BOMBUR" in the movie adaptation, please be advised that a movie adaptation has already been made. And that dwarves wear clothes. No, seriously, WTF, sending us nude "glamour photos" with a teddy bear covering your privies is not "dwarvish", it's obscene. Although everyone in the office agreed you'd make an excellent Troll.
- If the fellowship of the ring is for any reason re-convened we will be certain to let you know.
- The other side of the postcard is an ILLUSTRATION, not a PHOTOGRAPH. Yes, it's easy to get the 2 confused.
- No, Ken, none of the cast of "LOTR" have an "OnlyFans" page. In the work described by Tolkien the characters lived in a comparatively idyllic past without need to recourse to sex-work to survive.
There will be more, I'm sure.