1. Arrive before the restaurant opens and when the waiters grudgingly let you in complain about the setup, about the spotty glasses and cutlery and unvacuumed floor and lack of music.
2. Stay late. Very late. Try and be the last or second last table in the restaurant. Ask when they close and see if you can keep them an hour, two hours past then.
3. Call ½ hour before coming for a reservation. Look over the hostesses or Maitre’D’s shoulder and try to find your name in the reservation book. When you are sat complain about the table you’re given. Call the restaurant from the parking lot. If there’s no room ask to speak to the owner/manager/favorite server. Explain that it’s your anniversary/birthday/valentines and that you need to come in ASAP and no isn't an answer....
4. Order things not on the menu. Out for Italian? Order the double cheeseburger or Ginger Beef Stir Fry. Don’t even look at the menu.
5. Order fancy drinks that they can’t or won’t charge you for. Things like hot water with lemon and honey. When the waiter isn’t looking add your own tea bag. If your drinking tap water make sure they give you a lemon. If they’ve given you a lemon already complain about the little bits of lemon floating in your water.
6. Use your cell phone to text your date from the restaurant. Don’t speak to her (she’s sitting right across from you), that’s too old fashioned. If your cell phone doesn’t have texting, or they charge you extra, open your laptop and use that to message your date.7. Call the restaurant from your cellphone and ask to speak to your waiter. When they answer try to order your food.
8. Place your blackberry/iphone next to your water glass. Underneath it possible. Waiters have never seen these things and will be impressed at your importance. Use an old one so if the water should spill on it they’ll have to buy you a new one. If possible have a friend call you and take the call while the waiter’s attempting to get your order. Talk loud because it’s noisy in the restaurant and everyone’s just so damned inconsiderate that they can’t see your on your phone.…..
9. Keep your coat on. You’ll save a dollar on the tip you would have given the coat check girl. When they seat you can take it off and drape it on the back of the chair or throw it on the floor.
10. Be regular. Everyone likes a regular. As a regular expect that the restaurant will always hold your table in perpetual reserve for you and your guests, request specific things that aren’t on the menu (and haven’t been for years), and be sure to enquire after favorite staff members that left the restaurant several years ago. By the way, they hated you as well, but as they've long since left the restaurant you can now hold each other in the highest esteem.
11. Use all of the cutlery at the table on each course. That’s why it’s there, isn’t it? Use the salad fork and butter knife on your steak, the dinner fork on your salad, the steak knife on your butter, the soup spoon in your coffee.
12. Bring your children. If it’s fine dining and they don’t have a coloring book entertain them with the sugar sachets and salt and pepper shakers. Let them run around the restaurant, it’s good for kids to run and get exercise. You like your kids so it’s natural that everyone else will as well.
13. Never look at the waiter when ordering. That just aggravates them. Look down and point at the menu, don’t tell them what dish, let them read where you’re pointing.
14. If you finish your meal before your guests, hand your empty plate to a passing server or customer on the way to the washroom.
15. Or, if your of the old school who wants to hold onto your plate until the rest of your party's done eating, amuse yourself by piling the breadplate, unfinished rolls and bones upon your plate, top with some precariously balanced cutlery and attempt to hide with your napkin. When you're done hand them to the server, or better yet, hand them to a customer passing on his/her way to the washroom.
16. Explain that you need separate checks. These people you're out with, you don't trust them as far as you can throw them, there isn't a chance they'll kick in the right amount for the bill.