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Fine Bust of the God of Cigars
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
- Hits: 2994
"What's this?" I asked, hefting the statue in my hands.The shopkeeper looked at me shrewdly, sizing me up.
He sucked his breath in between his teeth.
- "That..." he began "Is a bust of Arturo Fuento, The God of fine cigars."
"Really?" I said, intrigued. I don't smoke cigars but somehow the statue felt heavier, more valuable in my hands...
- "Indeed." he said. "The only carving in the world of him known to exist. Please be careful with it, it's priceless."
"I didn't know there was a God of Cigars."
- "You're not from around here, are you?. Arturo Fuento is the god to whom the natives used to direct their worship when they wanted a smoke."
"Really?" I was repeating myself. So often these souvenir shops are cluttered with the same old thing, coral and shark's tooth necklaces, bad handicrafts, T-Shirts, but I was beginning to think that I was on to something....
"How much?" I asked.
- "It's not for sale. The natives wouldn't allow me to sell it." and here his voice dropped to a whisper. "They still worship him...."
"No, really, how much?"
- "It's not for sale."
"I can give you " and I opened my wallet to check..."Ten dollars."
- "Not for sale"
"Twenty Dollars..."
- "For the only known statue in the world of Arturo Fuento, God of fire and fine cigars? You have to be joking..."
"One hundred American dollars..."
- "Will that be cash or American Express?"
Now, naturally I don't expect you to be as flush as I was at the time, but I've come to realize that as I don't actually smoke cigars having the God of Cigars on my desk is a bit pointless. Not that I haven't prayed to him for other favours, but apparently he limits his interests to smoking. Doubtless he is the piece you've been looking for to watch over your humidor. Since I don't believe one should traffic in spirits or gods (at least not for base commerce), I'm offering him up in trade for something of equal ju-ju, but smaller. No more than 2 inches at it's broadest dimension (OK, 3 inches if it's really good). I'm downsizing. Don't tell me what it is, I trust you implicitly. Just let me know when you'll be coming to pick it up and I'll leave him on my front doorstep. (don't be late, it's damnably cold outside and I'm pretty sure he's not used to it....).
Antique Blowtorch - $15.00
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
- Hits: 2301
"What's that?"- "I dunno. Looks to be an old blowtorch."
"What are you going to do with it?"
- "Blowtorch things. It's kind of cool looking...."
"You want to be a plumber?"
- "No, but ..."
"Then really, what are you going to do with it?"
- "Leave me alone. You buy all sorts of things and I don't ever grill you about them...how many pairs of underwear do you own? Bloody hell! ...."
"OK, OK, just buy it then..."
- "I'm not sure I want it."
"Then leave it.."
- "Can I borrow 15 bucks? I'm a bit short..."
"Geezus...."
Swap: 1 Decrepit Antique Harp
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
- Hits: 2219
A few things:
Firstly, ignore the price.
Secondly, I'm in no way responsible for the damage done to it by whatever moron-once-upon-a-time did to make it "playable". It came to me pretty much in the condition you see it. To describe it briefly, it's an antique - guess mid-Victorian Harp. It's got some lovely painting on it, it's old, it's also kinda junky and probably not in any way repairable, more - with a bit (or a lot) of work - a junktique.
Thirdly, I appreciate it's decrepit, I've had it for 20 odd years and would like it to go to someone who'd appreciate it - (Not a dealer, be warned, and I know you all so just try and pick it up and see what happens...), so disregard the price. Instead, bring me something curious of equal value - not to exceed 2 inches by 2 inches by 1 inch deep. In other words, something small, I'm downsizing. Don't tell me, or hint at it's provenance, I trust you implicitly, simply drop me a line and wrap it up and we'll do the swap. I like surprises.
Halloween body in leaves
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Dreams
- Hits: 1613
It's Halloween and I've hacked someone up, hung them upside-down over a pile of leaves to drain the blood first, then dismembered them into a heap of organs and limbs.
The children don't know, they think it's an exceptionally gruesome display on the front lawn, but other people have caught on.
The papers, they've got photos of my display on the front page and detailed ones inside, people are buying them like hotcakes, it's an award winning Halloween display for sure, I try to stop someone, a short fat man, from buying the paper - "Don't ..." I tell him, and put my hand on his arm to sell him; he knows, some of the others know, it's not just a display, they want to look.
I'm not going to get away with this forever, the police are coming to pick me up, they're at the front door. I tell the kids to eat their dinner, then go to the door, the police are there, I apologize and tell them I'm eating dinner, I'll just be half an hour.
I'll be going away for this one for quite some time.
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