This downsizing is addictive. By the time I'm done I'll be ready to live in a shoebox in no time...well, at the rate it takes me to write copy, maybe a year...but still.
But copy sells the table (or so they say)...
Haunted Table for Sale:
For pretty much the same price you could have a pressboard table made in China with a fancy Swedish sounding name (like “frendli” or “Bjork-borg”), or a small 27’ HD TV, you could buy a fine antique table (seats 4-6).
Dimensions: 60” length (extends to 72” with leaf), 42” wide & 31.5” high
Now people have enquired as to it’s provenance and I’m ashamed to say that I only know that I bought it and now I want to sell it. It’s old and needs some TLC (read: EXPERT REFINISHING AND HOURS OF TIME THAT I DON’T HAVE TO INVEST), but once refinished it’ll be a great piece for the right house.
But as people want to know and so I did some searching on GOOGLE and this is what I came up with:
“He rushed at him, and dug the knife into the great vein that is behind the ear, crushing the man's head down on the table, and stabbing again and again.”
Oscar Wilde – The Picture of Dorian Gray
- I thought it was blood but it was just dried Katsup. Not that table, sorry
“I was conducted to the inn of St Omer and supped in my room in spite of the marvellous tales which Le Duc told me of a young beauty at the public table”
“I heard singing in the kitchen and on going in I found Le Duc in a high state of excitement and very drunk. As soon as he saw me he tried to rise but he lost his centre of gravity and fell right under the kitchen table. He was carried away to bed.”
Casanova – Memoirs of Casanova
- Neither of those tables either
“From the table of my memory I'll wipe away all trivial fond records”
Shakespeare – Hamlet
- Definitely not that table.
While probably it doesn’t help you much I wanted you to know that I’ve been doing my research.
Now to the Haunted Bit:
While up late one night enjoying a glass of Malbec I attempted to set it upon the table and it FELL OVER, as if some unseen hand had pushed it. Now I was curious but it was late and so I just fell on the floor and went to sleep. The next night, however, while tippling a fine Claret I had been saving for my daughters graduation the same thing happened AGAIN!
Now I’m generally not superstitious but when something happens once, twice, well, you’d better be ready for the third.
This happened the very next day when I noticed my cat jump onto the table AND THEN JUMP BACK DOWN AGAIN as if PUSHED by an invisible force.
Now this was too much and I resolved to splinter the table into kindling and use it for firewood, but not before I had done some Psychical research of my own.
That evening, having had several glasses of a rather inexpensive blended Scotch to ready myself, I began my tests.
Curious now as to it’s provenance I lit several candles and set upon it a Ouija Board, rested my fingers lightly upon the planchette and asked of the spirits to make themselves known.
They were playing with me that night, not answering, so I had another glass of Scotch, this a finer single malt……, still they were making me wait and so I set my tape recorder upon the table and asked again…. I’m nothing if not patient.
After much asking and more Scotch I fell into a trance, and it was then that really strange things began to happen. While I don’t recall them shivers ran up my spine when I played back the tape the next day.
Upon playing back the tape this is what I heard:
“I am descended from Treebeard, Oldest of the Ents, I am descended from….(indistinct)…I count among my cousins Tangle Bramblethorn, whose roots guard the great treasure of the Nibelungen where it was buried by Hagen; (indistinct slurring, more tree cousins, boring) …whose timbers were used in the ships that sailed to Troy and were taken apart to form a great Horse….in Sherwood forest my grandfather helped Young Robbing Hood, whose bow and arrows were fletched from his timbers….(hissing sound, tape ran out)”
Now probably I should have put in another tape, but so deeply was I entranced that I didn’t wake until the next morning whereupon I discovered that my nose was stuck to the planchette. But reviewing what I had it was enough to persuade me not to destroy such a proud and noble artifact and history, and to try and pass it on to other more interested parties.
*note: I'll be around on Saturday early afternoon, or Sunday if you want to bring a priest.