A ridiculous amount of copy for such a cheap item, yet once I began telling my story I couldn't stop until I had told it all.
"He stoppeth 1 of three...."
Now to get it onto Craigslist and Kijiji....
For Sale: 1 Genii Infested Oil Lamp (Chandelier).
Price: $785.00
Circumstances having not played out as I expected I find myself not in the castle of my dreams and hence am selling 1 Genii Infested Oil Lamp.
About the Lamp: 40 some odd inches from top to bottom, slightly over a foot in width at the "lamp" part. Solid brass. Heavy. Like about 40 pounds and 20 years of carrying it from place to place on my back, forever prepared should at anytime somebody say: "Hey, wanna castle? You just need to bring your own oil lamp and it's yours, buddy..." kinda heavy.
As you may have guessed I haven't been hanging in the right circles.
Anyways, lamp is in good working order - with the exception of one thing - it needs a long screw to join the bast to the shaft, I have the original but it's broken, probably it's a generic part easily replaced, otherwise give the butler a lead pig when he's done polishing it and have him copy the threads. I should have wished for a new one but my mind was elsewhere. Yes, it's somewhat expensive, but it's a one of a kind piece, a hundred years old or more, it's depressingly close to what I paid and, let's be frank, if you have a place to hang it you really shouldn't be dickering about the price. Really. And if you for a moment think it's overpriced I highly recommend you pop into the lighting center on 14 St and 10 Ave. SW. Get them to quote you a price on a 100 year old Genii Infested Oil Lamp. Then you'll realize how cheap I'm selling it, only by then it'll probably be too late.
Provenance: Acquired on an antique buying expedition to the Lake District (UK) in the early 90's. I was looking for a vintage Patek Phillipe wristwatch. Don't ask me what happened.
Genii Infested?
That's correct. While rather halfheartedly polishing the brass to a state where I could reasonably hope to sell it with a minimal investment of my time and effort (why would I wholeheartedly polish something I intended on selling, I ask of you? You, the new proud owner, can certainly expect your butler or maid to polish it with great zest and zeal, but to them it's a novelty, to me it's only a large heavy antique lamp that's been carted along on one too many moves....) what should appear but - Not one - but 5 Genii!!!
5!! Count them! 1 for every spigot in the lamp!
Now I know you'd be thinking "Jackpot!! That's 5 Geniis at 3 wishes per genii...and if I use every wish to wish for a million more wishes that's a kijillion wishes and..." But me, I was thinking "How do they all fit in that tiny lamp and what do they do to pass the time and I sure hope none of them sound like Robin Williams or that's a wish wasted right off the bat..."
Not that I didn't like "Aladdin" but you can have too much of a good thing, if you know what I mean.
Fortunately none of them did.
They did set me straight on the rules though. 1 wish per Genii, total 5 wishes, no wishing for more wishes, personal questions about their lifestyle and living arrangements were discouraged.
I didn't really want to know anyways.
Now I was cautious. I mean, I've read "The Monkey's Paw" and I know how these things can backfire, these sudden strokes of good fortune will often turn into the worst thing in the world, and so I was playing it a bit safe and lazy and I asked the first Genii:
"Genii, I wish to know, can you finish cleaning the lamp?"
I was thinking that I was being tricky, that it wasn't really a wish more a proof-of-your-genii-ness sort of test and it wouldn't count, but the Genii answered:
"Why, Yes, Yes I can..."
And with that he disappeared back into the lamp.
Genii: 1, Me: 0.
Now the problem was with my question. I mean, it was a dumb question but the problem is I'm too polite, too democratic, Genii's need to be commanded, the rhetorical or implied question, it's useless. When dealing with Genii's you should check your manners at the door. And while I'm not too fussed I'm pretty sure your butler/maid/what-have-you will be wishing pretty quick that I'd phrased that wish a little differently.
Now I had 4 wishes left, and as I didn't want to make as bad job of them as I'd made of the first I took a few minutes to think about it and formulate the next, the second wish....
I thought about it and thought about it and the Genii waited patiently and finally I thought I had it.
"Genii" said I, "I wish to know, what has become of so-and-so?"
And the Genii pulled forth a small mirror and held it so that I could see and within there passed an endless procession of indifferent lovers, the jingle of her tambourine and late nights laughing in the company of fools, the gaudy revelries and follies of youth carried into middle age and scrying further I could see her future, beauty faded and wrinkles crawling upon her face, grey hair hung in locks about her temple, still the same vacuous smile, but her tambourine now hangs silent upon her wall, the gentlemen no longer call, the crows feet have turned to creases and her brow is furrowed by care and constant sorrow, her fate to die alone, unloved and uncared for, my heart was wrung with compassion, and I knew what my next wish should be, then the Genii spoke: “It is no more than she deserves…”
Now I had only 3 of my 5 wishes left and I thought about many things, like who really watches Oprah Winfrey and who will win the world cup and what's become of Barak Obama's youthful idealism, but I dared not ask them, I needed to think harder; I could ask for perpetual youth and good looks but really I'm not doing so bad and have somewhat reconciled myself to my fate, I could ask for a million dollars but that's one of those wishes that generally comes at the price of someone near and dears life insurance policy, and so I thought and I thought until finally I thought I had it....
Wish #3: "Genii" I imperiously commanded in what I thought was my best Genii commanding voice: "Show me all the hidden treasures of the world...."
And the third Genii held forth a small globe that grew as it spun on his fingers, brushing aside the clouds he bade me look and I saw upon it's surface all the stars of the universe, looking closer now I could see that what I thought were stars were gold flakes and the Genii motioned that I should look yet closer and the flakes became the scattered bars and bullion of a thousand Spanish Galleons lying lost upon the ocean floor, pirate ships with their plunder and Greek long boats filled with amphorae of honey and wine, towers of fine china plates delicately poised as if to fall and chests bursting with jewels and fine golden chains, doubloons and pieces of eight, he took me through sunken cities whose names are lost to history: A bright coral grove where presided a marble statue - "The Initiation of Aphrodite to the Mysteries of Dionysius" - discretion forbids description. Still there were more and I was led deeper, here a bed of Giant clams from whose pink mouths hung the legs of pearl divers and here the Genii opened one to show me the lustrous black stone incubating within....
From the depths of the ocean I was brought to the waves, in polar latitudes he made Icebergs transparent and I saw even more ships lost, these not sunken but frozen in time, their cabins filled with men in their final slumbers and I wondered how they came to be here, but these were only diversions, still he led me further on to a cold, remote and rocky isle wherin an inlet led to a steaming harbour heated by underwater geysers and springs and here all the leviathans of the deep coughed up their ambergris before rolling and sinking forever into the depths, the waves and steam piled it upon the shore and the air was fragrant with their extinction.
Now the Genii held the globe in his hand once more, still flickering with golden flakes and specks, and I was in my home and I thought that he was done, but we were only just beginning....
He waved once, twice, three times over the floor and the scene changed again, no longer were we in my home but in a vast desert beside a cliff and into a cleft he led me and the sand and earth were transformed into glass, above in the firmament glistened and sparkled countless crystals, and we walked beneath the great and vast necropolises of the earth; in Egypt through Memphis and Luxor, Deir el-Medina and Saqqara and we could see the countless mummies in their crypts, gold flashing through the camphor and linen, the undiscovered tombs of great pharaohs and kings, through secret doors we found Herihor and Nefriti, we explored the tombs of Ghengis Khan and Alexander the Great and saw the vast wealth they had amassed, we walked the catacombs of Sicily where he illuminated the dessicated remains of Avaro, who to avoid paying his bills swallowed handfuls of diamonds and through the paper flesh of his belly I could see them still flashing; and there were others who rolled their pearls in cheap paste so they wouldn't be stolen and wore them to the grave, in South America and China we marveled at the jade and lapis masks worn by the dead on their journey to the afterworld, and everywhere we journeyed he pointed and I saw the numberless mason jars and pottery filled with coins and buried forever in the soil, the lost mines of Solomon, bottomless lakes and wells where people of all nations had come to enlightenment through the offering and sacrifice of their riches, and still we went on...
And the globe now turned again in his hand and I saw upon it seams of platinum, gold, opal and lapis lazuli and we walked from tombs into caverns once more, deeper, ever deeper, following now the mineral riches of the earth, and all the treasures men had gathered were as nothing compared to the wonders of the earth; great vaulted cathedrals with pillars of beryl and corundum, the skeletons of plesiosaurs and shells of giant turtles filled with opal upon the ceiling, hoary frosts of crystals that covered their walls and great polished lenses of quartz that were the windows looking sightless into the earth, we passed over underground rivers cobbled with sapphires and rubies, subterranean lakes where grew great spinels and jewels unknown to man, tinted with rare earths like Uranium, Europium, Irridium, gems of perfect shape - dodecahedron and icosahedron - that glittered with their own fire and would blister and burn the skin of any who tried to wear them; we descended through close caverns filled with stifling heat and noxious gases where the forges still worked and new generations of wonders were ever growing; crystals harder than diamond and as yet unknown...
Here, an entire wall of amber, and he waves his globe and I can see within a butterfly, perfectly poised upon the petal of some flower, and here a meter of centipede, and here the wings of a dragonfly, and still we go on...
And eventually once more we arrived in my living room, and I thanked him, but he was not yet done, and a final time he led me forth, this time through the streets of my hometown, still carrying the globe he took me to thrift shops and showed me the double struck hallmarks that elude customs and dealers, in front of a painting of a circus clown weeping he raised his globe to illuminate and show me the underpainting: Van Gogh's "The Poet's Garden IV", and I understood why the clown was weeping, he found for me strings of pearls poorly appraised as false and unmarked gold rings, in damp cellars and dusty attics, behind false walls and under floorboards he showed me the undiscovered treasures of my city,passing by a school where once I had played he showed me the secret caches of marbles and lead soldiers I had hidden and lost in my youth ….cat’s eyes, bumblebees, jaspers and agates, “crystals”, galaxies and princesses, steeleys and sulphides, the painted lead soldiers lying dead as though in their graves, and we went on again until finally I bade him to stop, and looking at me he said:
"We haven't yet begun..."
I understood; there were treasures everywhere; it was only my knowledge that limited me, and knowledge alone was the real treasure. I had seen enough, a hundred lifetimes would not suffice to gather and spend even half of the splendors I had seen, and I released him
(I have not begun to describe what he showed me, there still comes to me in flashes - the elephant's graveyard where the ivory is piled a hundred yards deep, the played out mines that had stopped - only an inch away - from the riches they sought, cities of turquoise and gold lost forever in the jungles and beneath desert sands, huge carbuncles of corundum and aquamarine, all the cavities and hollows of the earth filled with crystal marvels of every description; great agate clusters that grew in the earth like grapes, geodes the size of trucks filled with citroen and amethyst, treasures that surfaced only when the right spell was spoken on a moonless night and others that sunk perpetually into the earth, gems of good fortune and others that were cursed and would bring their finders to woe, how to read the secret signs on trees and rocks that marked the way to riches, how to disable the cunning traps and pitfalls that await the unwary...and I could go on)
Now I needed rest, and the 2 remaining Genii returned to their lamp while I contemplated all that had passed. The third wish was a good one, and I hoped that the fourth would be even better. But silently, to myself.
From the lamp there came the tinny sounds of disco music - "YMCA", by The Village People, flashes of light and occasional puffs of sweet smelling smoke appeared above the spouts. I knew they were there and they knew they were half done their service to me, and I did not begrudge them their little party.
The next morning I had my question. I buffed the lamp briskly and the Genii appeared once more.
"Genii" I began - "Show me the meaning of life..."
And no sooner had I spoken than I was transported.
I found myself standing on the edge of an abyss, behind me stretched a great plain and above, in the sky, sparkled myriad stars and constellations.
In the east broke a ray of light, then a green sun, and from above there burst a deluge that filled the abyss until it became a sea that writhed with great sinewy eels and fishes, the spume of vast whales cast rainbows into the sky and as the sun rose higher it turned first red, then orange, and then yellow.
With each wave more creatures were cast upon the beach, squirming and crawling things that scuttled about the shore, and behind me on the plain grew tall grasses and ferns.
These creatures cast upon the shore, some struggled to return to the sea, the greater number of them perished and their bodies turned to sand, still others molted and leaving behind their shells they writhed and scuttled and walked into the marshes on the plain and disappeared.
Now to my left there grew an immense tree, and from it's branches there sprouted a million blossoms of every hue, and the air was heavy with their perfume, and from the east there came a great noise, and I saw the sky grow dark with the shapes of countless winged things that now sat upon the tree and waited for the blossoms to turn to fruit.
And as they waited I heard them speak:
"How long must we wait?" said one...
"Until the sun doth set" replied another.
And I realized that I could understand the secret language of birds.
Now the blossoms bore fruit and once more the air grew dark and the birds disappeared into the west.
Behind me now was a jungle filled with terrors, and if I looked close I could recognize ...
I saw my shadow lengthening upon the sea, and where it fell the sea grew quiet until it reached the horizon and all was still.
Behind me now was only desert, the tree to my left had long since shriveled and fell, and the Genii now appeared at my side. He reached into the sand and pulled forth a shell, holding it to my ear I once again heard the waves upon the shore, looking skyward the constellations and stars once more were twinkling and I realized that my senses now compassed the universe, the waves I heard were on distant worlds, and I could see eternity now as a moment, the planets, stars, the galaxies and clusters in their orbits, I could see their origins and paths, their destinations, I could trace the movements of the cosmos; all was laid bare before me, I saw angels move across the heavens; a single flutter of their wings was the rise and fall of Egypt, I saw the constellations move, as if alive, I saw the same waves cast by the sea cast across the cosmos, I heard the heartbeat of the universe in the shell upon my ear, and I felt awe and I understood.
Now I had one wish left, and reflective upon all that had come to pass I was not in the mood for the disco music and little puffs of smoke that kept issuing from my lamp, and so I dissembled it and laid it upon the floor.
The Genii, they were chagrined, but I needed to think and still they kept up their silly dancing, only now they were full sized in my living room.
The last wish, the final wish, what could I wish for, I had it all and then some, and all I wanted was to left alone with my thoughts, and the Genii, hurt by my apparent lack of gratitude for their fine service, they danced to the Village People in my living room all night long.
It was a long night.
In the morning I had come to my final wish, and probably you can guess. It was to set the Genii free.
"Genii" I said..."My final wish is that you all be released from your servitude to the lamp."
And that is how I rid the lamp of it's Genii infestation. While overall I found the Genii invaluable their taste in music wasn't my cup of tea at all. Probably they're living it up somewhere in Edmonton as we speak, and good on them.
Anyways, you can feel confident that the lamp you buy from me will not have any pesky Genii's hanging about (they've all been expelled), and so there should be no liability issues there. If you don't properly fix the screw-a-ma-jig and it falls on one of your guests during dinner, however, that's a different story.
If you don't need an antique oil lamp but are intrigued by the item let me suggest that it might just make a very interesting hanging shiska or water pipe.
Note: I'm in Saturday in the early afternoon and Sunday all day if you'd like to come by and purchase it or tell me about your experiences with Genii.