So it's taken a week, but I've finally gotten used to this new coffee. Which is not to say that it's good, or even bearable, rather more that with time you can get used to anything. I've approached it as a challenge, and although I still find that I max out on 2 cups this is probably a good thing. I make them strong cups, or as strong as the brand will allow, in the hopes that I'll finish the can soon and be able to move onto something a little more palatable.
Being a snob I hate to see myself brought down in the world so, and have taken to decieving myself that it's an extraordinary new and fashionable style of coffee, a sort of decaffinated Kopi Lowak. Sadly this only works until I have to taste it, wherein the reality overpowers the illusion.
But on the good side of things I've been working on some slogans to help you better market it. Completely free, not so much for your benefit but more to help other consumers avoid falling into the same trap I did. Here are some of my ideas:
"Everyday Market Brand" - Now truth be told this is the only Everyday Market Brand product I've tried, and rest assured I've been curious to see what you could do to eggs and milk, but, well, enough is enough and there isn't a chance. Not even if you paid me. Still, if all other products in this line are made to double the standards of this coffee the following slogan will probably hold true:"Colonary Excellence" .
It's an award I made up and have given this brand. You sort of emboss a little gold seal in the label somewhere, with that tagline. People will think you've won an award. In a way you have. And if they read the label, as I did, they'll know exactly what you won it for. Many people can't spell or properly sound out words, and this is probably exactly the market you were looking for.
And then there's this: "The fecal brew that's good for you...". Not that it's good for you, but it's probably good in that it'll help you to stop drinking so much coffee. So you can advertise it on health benefits.
Sadly that's about it. There are of course countless adjectives that can help you to endorse this product, and with the advances being made in stem cell research and genetic engineering there is the possibility that they will one day be able to breed an adman who will somehow survive the taste of it and be able to validate my analysis with more extravagant and luscious descriptions. Until then please feel free to make use of my genius.