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Kung Fu Panties
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Theatre
- Hits: 1836
Took the boy to see "Kung Fu Panties" by Rebecca Northan tonight, and while not my cup of tea entirely it was amusing. I've been a fan of hers since Blind Date. Some clever staging, choreography, a light theatre night out. The audience quite enjoyed it, to judge by the laughter and applause, and to be fair it wasn't your typical night at the theatre.
It did remind me, or confirm actually, a suspicion I had that I might be quite fond of latex tights on fit bodies. But I suspected that already.
How to Ingratiate yourself to your waiter
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Miscellany
- Hits: 2068
1. Arrive before the restaurant opens and when the waiters grudgingly let you in complain about the setup, about the spotty glasses and cutlery and unvacuumed floor and lack of music.
2. Stay late. Very late. Try and be the last or second last table in the restaurant. Ask when they close and see if you can keep them an hour, two hours past then.
3. Call ½ hour before coming for a reservation. Look over the hostesses or Maitre’D’s shoulder and try to find your name in the reservation book. When you are sat complain about the table you’re given. Call the restaurant from the parking lot. If there’s no room ask to speak to the owner/manager/favorite server. Explain that it’s your anniversary/birthday/valentines and that you need to come in ASAP and no isn't an answer....
4. Order things not on the menu. Out for Italian? Order the double cheeseburger or Ginger Beef Stir Fry. Don’t even look at the menu.
5. Order fancy drinks that they can’t or won’t charge you for. Things like hot water with lemon and honey. When the waiter isn’t looking add your own tea bag. If your drinking tap water make sure they give you a lemon. If they’ve given you a lemon already complain about the little bits of lemon floating in your water.
Haircut
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Miscellany
- Hits: 2109
"You need a haircut..." he says to me, and he's right, it's been about 8 weeks since my last one and really I should get one every week but I'm lucky if I get in to see the barber once every 3 months.
I'm in the "hood", deep Forest Lawn checking junk shops and thrift shops and the guy speaking to me is a black guy wearing a pirate eye patch. It turns out he runs the "hair salon" next door, and he hands me a couple of flyers for it, he's just in watching the junk shop on his break.
Coincidental, really, in that I had already stopped this morning at my regular barbers, the Lebanese boys who cut hair as a front for their drug running cartel, and despite what the sign said on the front of the shop they definitely weren't open. Maybe they were on vacation, or in jail, but it was a trip wasted to the south side for nothing.
So as I'm leaving the shop I tell the black guy that if he wants, if his shop next door is open, I'll take the haircut. Why not, it's only hair...and besides, maybe somehow or another the coolness of black and the hood will rub off on me.
Well, that's stretching things a bit...
In any event I'm the only one in the salon apart from a very bored receptionist who gets my name and then goes back to watching black and white detective shows on TV. It's "Perry Mason" on Fox. The black guy, the stylist, he gets in and begins to cut my hair. Now his eyepatch has the skull and bones on it and I'm pleased to discover that his haircutting apron has the same logo. Triple cool - black barber, the hood, and now he's a pirate as well. I want to tell him to make me look just like him, or Johnny Depp if he can do it, but I figure just let him do his thing and I'll be sure to look like one or the other when he's done.
So he cuts my hair and makes light hairstyling conversation, about what I do and how the barbers in the malls don't know what they're doing and how I should massage my head for 5 minutes daily and how he can't believe anyone can cut hair in 15 minutes, it takes him at least an hour...
...at least an hour....
and I'm trapped in the chair as he goes over it and over it again with the shears and the scissors and then goes "deep" on my eyebrows and nose and ears with a straight razor and then goes back over my head with the clippers and talks to me about everything that barbers talk about and the day off, it's slipping away, through my fingers...
Not a single other customer comes through the door. Not a one.
In the end, an hour and some later, it's a good haircut.
I Know What You're Thinking...
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Jedi Mind Tricks
- Hits: 1567
"I know what you're thinking" I say to them, and then nod knowingly.
Now sometimes I do and sometimes I don't but the trick is not to say anything after that to give it away, just nod and smile slightly and catch their eye. And they'll think that maybe you DO know what they're thinking...
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