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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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Reading, at the moment, Sigmund Freud's "A General Introduction to Psychoanalysis", and enjoying it very much. Clearly he knows his material - he having discovered/framed/invented modern psychology, and it pairs well with the Dictionary of Symbols I'm reading. I know, I've been at that one for a while but there's some 1000+ pages of thin paper with fine print. It's a big book to be enjoyed not all at once.
Back to Freud, reading it I came up with a short inventory of my own Neuroses - in no particular order. First of all it's interesting how many things I actually don't like to do, yet do on a regular basis:
1) Smoking - I mean, there's no excuse. I seldom enjoy it, rarely crave it, and yet even as I'm reflecting on this I'm lighting up a cigarette. ??? WTF. And it's not like I ever particularly enjoyed it, so at what point did it become a habit or necessity? At what point did I "buy in" as they say, and at what level?
2) Drinking - This is a habit I acquired recently and I know exactly how this got started, and I suspect it's true for a lot of alcoholics. Drinking makes everyone else a lot more bearable. I said it, it's true, and when I discovered the truth of that I went a little overboard. The problem - of course there's always a few, including the single liver, slow mornings and general accompanying self-loathing, is that while everyone else becomes more bearable, I become unbearable. So it's a little like a teeter-totter. Up-Down, and rarely are you on a level with anyone else. And, like smoking, I don't particularly enjoy it, like anything with regularity it loses much of it's luster and sobriety is my preferred altered state.
3) Sex. If memory serves I generally used to enjoy it, but for quite a while now I've avoided any sort of entanglement. I mean, there's a lot of excuses for sure, like if you've seen what passes for most people's sex lives you'd give it all a miss as well, but - even offered reasonable circumstances and partners I find myself going out of my way not to get into trouble.
4) Travel. Love to travel. Rarely do I get to. There's something there.
5) Painting. I like to paint, despite being generally dismayed at the results. So, why don't I paint more? Hmmm.
6) Writing. Now this is the one that is pissing me off, this goes beyond writer's block, it's become a major fucking issue. I can sit for hours staring at a blank page and while the pages on either side will crawl with notes and inspiration, the one in front of me remains blank. And, having walked 90% of the way, only to encounter this invisible wall, this force field that I can't articulate my way over or around, this blind spot right in front of my eyes, well, single-handedly it's generating it's own subset of neuroses.
The rest. Reading. Love to read, Love to watch a good movie, listen to music, love to go to the art gallery or the Theatre, thrift shopping, antiques, yet - all of these things I procrastinate and deny myself. I like Mushrooms & Acid, yet - always - procrastinate, make excuses, "too much of a time commitment", when in fact I'm seldom if ever doing anything better with my time. And reading - I read, still, but could read more, and too much of my reading is done online, threads on reddit, news stories, inane, irrelevant - the fact that the Shermans' had to hire their own private investigators before the police would investigate as murders the deaths of their parents - these things serve to increase your neuroses, the indifference of the police added to their bungling incompetence, if you weren't crazy before an hour or two online catching up on the news of the day and politics would certainly make you so.
And, things like Cleaning. If I could create a Tulpa for that I would. I love a clean space, but could never be bothered to get off my ass and do it myself. And procrastinating. Something wrong there for sure.
Now, a short list but already there's a pattern of doing things I don't enjoy and postponing/neglecting and denying myself those things that I do. Now in large part we can put this down to "Civilized behavior", that is, I've been well indoctrinated into western culture, but I'm thinking, I'm thinking, maybe it's time to bail...
This should be my inspiration for the New Year, do nothing that I don't enjoy, and somehow find a way to do everything that I do.
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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Think of the devil and who should appear. This in my mailbox today:
A postcard from you-know-who. That's not his art, that's another artist that sells his own peculiar brand of art in a mall in Nelson...it's good that he shops local and supports the other artists...
It kind of reminds me of Gauguin & van Gogh, or Warhol and Basquiat...
On the back? Glad you asked...
....Somebodies trying to plan a trip to Calgary...
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A charming chef at the restaurant, one of those people that you instantly like, always smiling - and composed - generally, which for a chef is rare.
And talking during his brief tenure in hell - what brought him here, about him in general, in specific. Some girl he'd known from high-school, a long time ago, he'd heard she'd moved out here, to the valley, wanted to set things right with her...
I'm a sucker for a good romance and this touched me. At first I'd thought he was gay, so this confused me a bit, but I take people at their word, and this is one of my great failings.
Later it comes out that he is - and I'm curious, I ask how he was intending to set things right with his girlfriend, old girlfriend, but - he had a plan, suffice it to say he wasn't about to straighten himself out for her or go monogamous.
He was made for this area.
Now he's a vegetarian, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, seldom does drugs, which for the region, the province, is a bit of an anomaly, sobriety in any form out here is rarer than Unicorns or Leprechauns. A lot rarer.
And so I'm grilling him about this - given the neighborhood it's a bit of an anomaly...
He'd had an epiphany, at Shambala a few years before, 1 too many tabs of acid...became a vegetarian, vegan, secluded himself on an island for 10 days to stop smoking, drinking, lost 150 lbs in weight, got his shit together. Got his shit together.
One of the more interesting life stories I've heard, I'm always intrigued by these stories of sudden transformation, thunderbolts, wisdom tossed from the gods, the opening of spirit...
I'm still waiting for mine. Maybe - before things get too dire here, time to break out a few treats and wait for the clouds to part...it's not the place, not by a long shot, that I'd choose to be, but Moses and Jesus both went to the desert and Calgary, after it's fashion, is a desert...
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The July one, After this, 2 to go... the season should be kicking off. A new waitress has started, no experience, but great with drawing a happy face and writing a little personal message on each bill.
Americans, dickering with me on the exchange rate, I'm offering 25%, I'm the only guy in the Kootenay's other than the Currency exchange that even does an exchange rate, everyone else takes it at par, yet they're arguing, say they can get better in town and I'm thinking where - where in the USA can I go and have them accept Canadian Currency? And if they did, and I had the audacity to dicker over the exchange rate I'd probably be shot. Justly so. But this is the entitled American abroad, most are pleasant, but there's always a few...
And then there's the Plants. Older couple, always good for a toonie no matter how large the bill, and I've drawn the short straw, they're my table. I'm like Jesus on the fucking cross, taking all the hits so the new girl doesn't quit. They're in with guests, another couple, and - fortunately, a rare thing, the guests grab the bill. 20%. Phew, dodged a bullet there. And just as I'm celebrating my good fortune the other lady comes up and presses another $40 in my hand - I assure her, her husband tipped me well, but she'll have none of it - she tells me in a low voice "We know how they tip...".
And summer's officially started.