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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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Dido, he's been lurking outside waiting for the pub to open, my age but in better condition, looks better anyways, comes in for a 2 hour cup of coffee to talk about the books he's written, he's writing, all sorts of books on the planets and Greek mythology and on his experiences in the Haida Gwai, and we chat and catch up, another of the local characters, he wants to write a book on how to be a good waiter, picks my brain, I have no input, no regard for the profession, he was a busboy once and got to be pretty good, then he reflects a bit and decides maybe he doesn't want to write the book, not now anyways, too much of a niche market, wanders the pub, we're slow, empty, of course, it's the season, looks out the window, comes back, talks some more, ... he's the bookend for the day, the first customer, there will be a few more, mostly normal, and then it will be my friend Batsh*t with the weekly allotment of a dozen scrolls, this week from Lu-Lu Lombardo to me, photocopies of centerfolds added onto with his writing, addled with his embellishments, a good couple of hours reading for when I get back to the shed...
...and, reading them, I'm laughing, he's setting me up with a friend of his, another connisseur of his work, female, he's drawn on the back of the centerfold so I'll know what she looks like if I run into her naked, "OH...AN COMMAND'R ROD IF .. U NKEEPS UR PEEPERS PEEL'D WEN I SHOP I GOTS KNEE HIGH RED + GREEN STILETTO BOOTS + TITE SHORT BLACK MINE LEATHER SHORTS + MY SUZUKI M-CYCLE HAS LITNIN RODS BOTH SYDES + I GOTZ NORMA-J'S BLACK WIG + ROLLUPS -- CANVAS - DOZENS..." and it continues for some hundreds more words, ending with: "...BUTT 1ST RODS GOT UNUFF CLUES...SO GOT FIND ME" and I'm laughing out loud, is he really hoping that I'll buy that Lu-Lu wrote this? I'm hearing her voice in his head as he's writing this... Is there really a Lu-Lu at all? If there is, based on the sketch and description provided I want to meet her...
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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And, in addition to the countless references to Java Mocha there are the messages in bottles and the signposts...generally laugh-out-loud and more so when you know who he's talking about...
Chinzy Candy is a reference to the owners of the pub...he's finding they're not so generous as they once were with him...there's quite a few references to Langs (cafe) and the Ass-Hole Gas guy...
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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And, in the past month easily a hundred scrolls from BatSh*t.
I've promised not to reproduce them, I have, and so I won't - but there are a few details that I just have to share.
First - his love of coffee. Almost every scroll features coffee:
a "java moka" tattoo drawn onto the leg of one of his stripper girls...
A Java Bath?
Coffee Pot with stripper...
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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Halloween and I've a tentative date with Batsh*t, supposed to pick him up in Riondel and take him to the Cabin for their Halloween party...
I'm not expecting to see him there, it was "arranged" - if that is the word, by scroll, cryptic messages hidden in with all the "Mocha Java" and strippers and coffee cups.
But I'm not going to be the one to default on the date, I'm there, it's 5:30 (damned Ferry Schedule, either be an hour and a half early or an hour late...), 5 to 6 he sidles up to the jeep. Outside, raining, cold, he's cautious in his approach, I've noticed he doesn't make eye contact, he's got his coffee thermos in his hand, a plastic bag in the other, another gift...
We get to the cabin, it's mostly empty, the party won't start for a couple more hours, there's 5 waitresses there in various costumes, I'm starting to figure out where he gets his ideas for the 5 piece Electra Band, 5 costumed, nubile young women, as demons, zombies, always the bit of leg, breast, arm...
They know him, they're kind to him, he's flush, it's the end of the month. he's got an envelope full of cash...
I was hoping for some good documentary footage, but the light is too dim, and the flash bothers his face, nonetheless he tells a single story for me, afterward he segways into other stories, camera off, about how he's wearing Roger Vadim's Leather coat, about other adventures with Marilyn, Jane, Sophia...
He buys a round of drinks, the night continues, by 9:00 PM after the fire show it's time to run him back to his bike, hidden in the bushes, he digs it out and hops on, he's keeping his shack a secret for the moment, he's given me - in addition to some more scrolls, a bag of coffee and $5.00, just because, it's what he likes to do, and it crosses my mind that for someone with nothing he's one of the most generous people I've ever met...
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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And I've been getting these dumb-ass emails from "Tweekaboo", the "Social Media Platform" for people that just got kids.
"Family life is all about moments. The first moments, the messy moments, the tender moments, the 3am moments, the proud moments. These are the wonderful real-life moments that tell the story of your child's life. We call these moments Tweekaboo moments.
At Tweekaboo we're parents too. Designed for busy families, Tweekaboo uses your smart phone to make saving magic moments, easy."
Bloody Hell.
To some people kids are like herpes or religion and they want to share their experience with anyone that will listen. So Amber has somehow mistyped her friends name into her phone and I've been the (un)lucky recipient of all the glorious updates as to her precious little bundle of joy, 3 a day, and Google alerts me every time something new happens. Headlines like: "Koala Costume", "Aunt Mandy trying to get Charley in the Halloween...", "Love my PJ's from Grandma" and "Happy Halloween from our little Pumpkin". I'm guessing it's one of the other Rod/Rob Boyle's from down under, somewhere someone got deported to a sunnier clime and my relations got sent to Canada. And now you want me to take this bullet for you? I wrote tech support at Tweekaboo, told them they had the wrong guy, I'm not that guy, I don't even slightly envy that guy, who's probably just nodding dully along to the conversations with Amber and never for a moment thinks to correct his email address with her, he's getting away far too lightly, but I can't bear it anymore and tech support at Tweekaboo, they're just glad someone's using their product, I could create an account and log in and tell Amber directly, but maybe what I should do - in the spirit of the season, is log into Tweekaboo and start sending Amber all of my precious family moments..."...a tight circumcision", "...that was a smelly burp - OOPS", "...first soiled diaper", that kinda thing, maybe then she'd work it all out.