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Mucheatos Doritos

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Written by: Rod Boyle

Category: Miscellany

Published: 19 March 2009

Hits: 2670

In the shop yesterday I spotted a chip bag with a big dollar sign on it. And while not particularly materialistic the bills have grown a little out of control and I thought to myself "Why not buy a bag of cash?" and so I checked the ingredients, which didn't list any money but maybe it goes by a fancy technical name like "Sodium Acetate" or "Calcium Hydroxide" instead and so I picked it up on the off chance that it was my lucky day.

As luck would have it it wasn't. But there was a contest on the back which promised the possibility of a $25, 000 prize if I could name this mystery brand of Dorito. I'd have to go to www.doritosguru.ca and submit my idea for promoting this as-of-yet unidentified nacho chip. 

Maybe it was my lucky day. I've always fancied that I'd have been a brilliant advertising genius, if that was what I went in for....

I've had some ideas for a certain coffee I've tried lately. But that's a different post.....

So I munched thoughtfully trying to identify the many subtle flavours that accompanied this chip. And I mentally plotted my campaign. When I got home I made a list and then a special mental map, with loads of macaroni and toothpaste and different colored crayons. And then I went onto the contest website, where I discovered I might as well have saved myself the trouble as they were ending the contest tomorrow (today) and there was not going to be any way I could put together a commercial with that short notice. Which was a shame, because as my map would attest I had some pretty damned fine ideas. Which, to secure their copyright, I'll share with you here.

1. Chili Doritos
2. Lime Doritos
3. Chili Lime Doritos
4. Chili with a hint-o-lime Doritos (It was St. Patrick's Day!)
5. Hint-o-lime Chili flavored Doritos
6. Savoury Chili & Lime Doritos
7. Savoury Chili & Tangy Lime Doritos
8. Savoury Chili with Tangy Lime and various Cheese additives Doritos, Now with ADDED SODIUM ACETATE 
9. New & Improved Doritos

Of course there were more ideas but I'd have to call in favours from Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford, which I didn't want to do as there wasn't time. But I went on the website and was amazed by how many good ideas they had already gotten  (Not great ideas, like mine, but still damned good).

For the television commercials (30 second spot) I'd have a Chili on a white tabletop. A small red shrivelled up chili. Then I'd have a chip approach it. Hands would make them do naughty things. Then Donald Sutherland would say "New Chili Doritos. They're hot.".

Or try the lime commercial. A lime or stunt-lime on a white tabletop. (10 seconds). Then a hand would bring in a chip. They'd do naughty things. Then Donald Sutherland would say "New Lime Doritos. They're Limey."

The Chili Lime Doritos Ad was the best one I didn't make. There would be a dried shrivelled up chili on the table. A hand would bring in a lime. They'd do naughty things. Then a chip would come in. The hands would fight. The chip, chili and lime would break it up. Then Donald Sutherland would say "New Chili Lime Doritos. Don't fight over them."

Then there was the amazing idea of the "Mucheatos Dorito". You don't get to an idea like the "Mucheatos Dorito" without first going through the other ideas.

"Mucheatos" would be a plump Mexican stereotyped character with a sombrero and curled mustache  but you wouldn't know it because he wouldn't be seen. You'd see people talking about him under their breath in Mexican. "Mucheatos Dorito" they'd say. Then they're would be an Aztec Pyramid. A man (Harrison Ford) walking through flames with a bullwhip in his hand, the pyramid in the background. A giant Anaconda would slither down the pyramid. There would be a spinning Aztec Calendar, the kind they always show when they tell you the world will end in 2012. Then Donald Sutherland would say "Mucheatos Doritos. Only until 2012".

That was the $25, 000 idea. As you'll no doubt agree, they were getting it cheap, but I was kinda grateful as their chip got the taste of the other campaign I've been working on outa my mouth. The coffee campaign. Which is a different post....

Morning Coffee - tastes like a Colonic Irrigation

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Written by: Rod Boyle

Category: Miscellany

Published: 17 March 2009

Hits: 2386

Gagging my way through my second (and final) cup of coffee of the morning I think I've put my finger on it's unique flavor. 

Inspired by the frequent abdominal spasms that seem to accompany this foul brew, here's the tagline I'd write on the can to promote it's many virtues:

"Everyday Market Coffee - Every Cup tastes like a Colonic Irrigation done through the mouth..."

Of course, on it's own the slogan sort of falls down, which is why I picture a television advertising campaign for the product that features an attractive actress bent double retching over the toilet, close up of a broken cup and strewn coffee & grounds across the floor; background narration by Donald Sutherland.

Should any of the ad-geniuses from Shoppers wish to borrow this catchphrase, or contact me regarding further ideas for the promotion of this brand, please feel free to do so without any obligation of reimbursement. It's reward enough knowing that somewhere there's truth in advertising. Now excuse me while I go to rinse out my mouth.

Quite Possibly the WORST coffee in the world

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Written by: Rod Boyle

Category: Miscellany

Published: 16 March 2009

Hits: 2137

So I was on the way back from a rather lengthy walk yesterday and thought to stop at Shoppers Drug Mart to pick up some coffee. I was completely out, and it's never a good thing to be without coffee. Although I've discovered in cases of real emergency, and with proper mental preparation, sometimes I can get by with tea.

Typically I never shop at Shoppers, or drugstores in general, I don't have a lot of use for eye makeup and perfume and shampoo, soap and deodorant and all of the other fancy things they sell. The things I might be interested in demand a prescription, so I just give it a miss. But I recalled reading about some trend of drugstores selling groceries, so I popped in, it would save me a half-hour detour going to Safeway.

Now I'm a bit of a coffee snob, I gotta confess. I don't usually buy the "BEST" brands, because the best brands tend to be much the same as the very good brands, just with more fashionable packaging and lengthier mission statements. I try to drink a reasonable cup, something along the lines of "President's Choice West Coast Dark" that you buy at Superstore and grind yourself. Not great, but if you have great all the time you lose your taste for it, more a solid middle of the road.

When I lived in England it was almost impossible to get a proper cup of coffee (this was some years ago), and so like many of the locals I cultivated a taste for instant. And family gatherings frequently provide me with examples of other peoples caffeine ideals; the drip-percolated watery Edwards, the brewed-the-night-before and reheated the next morning Maxwell House, I've tried them all. Even the "Sat on the burner since the lunch rush 9 hours ago" diner coffee. There are some pretty bad cups of coffee out there. My favorite "occasional" coffee would be the fresh Italian espresso's, unsweetened with plenty of foam, but for day to day consumption I'm happy with a solid black coffee.

I digress.

So I popped into Shoppers and found the grocery aisle, and they had a few brands of coffee, one of which I didn't recognize. The "Everyday Market" brand. Now the packaging is a bit odd, a little short on style, but I don't let that decieve me. Generic brand names are often manufactured to reasonable standards by brand name companies, you pay a premium for the label. And the price is good, almost too good....$5.99 for 930 gram tin. I check the label, 100% coffee, logically no room for mouse turds or aluminum filings, and for a moment I hesitate. The price is almost TOO good. And what if it's bad? But it's the only can left on the shelf, which I take as a testimonial to it's imagined robust, rich and hearty flavour, and while I hate to take a chance on something so essential as coffee I decided to go against my better instincts and buy it. "Live on the Edge" I tell myself.

And this morning I got to taste it.

Now you probably know how it worked out, there was a little bit of foreshadowing in the title of this, and a little bit of ambiguity as well, where I said "Quite Possibly" I should have written "Most Certainly" or "Undoubtedly". But let me walk you through it. I open the can and am somewhat put off by its dry-grass-clippings color and texture. I sniff it, and there is vaguely something there that reminds me of coffee, but there is something there that reminds me of aluminum cans as well, and instead of the intense, heady burst of rich, full bodied aroma I find a rather weak, metallic smell as if the can itself has drunk my coffee and is now farting back it's memory into my nostrils.

Nevertheless I'm going to drink it. "Maybe it tastes better than it smells" I tell myself. After all, it's 100% coffee, what could go wrong?

As luck would have it, everything. Now when I have a cup of coffee I usually have two, or three, or four, a bit like those rats researchers hook on cocaine I keep going back for more and more until the bladder tells me I'm awake. Then I have a couple of more cups just to be certain.

But in this instance the coffee has come up with a foamy head (more suds) all on it's own, and as I strain the dishwater-colored confection into my cup I have my apprehensions.

Taste? Well, the absent mouse droppings and aluminum filings would have improved it. Wincing with every sip - Hints of ammonium and gasoline, bitter almost to the point of being caustic, metallic high notes clinging to the roof of my palate.

I check the can, it's not expired, but I notice a dearth of ringing endorsements on the label, and where before I simply thought this was to bring me the best cup of coffee at the most reasonable price I now accredit it to the fact that none of the copywriters survived the tasting. And the "Last can on the shelf" I realize is less due to it's bargain pricing than Environmental Regulations that only allow for X amount of toxins per square kilometer. One can per neighborhood. "It's the Law...".

I force myself to brew a second cup, maybe I've been too harsh, perhaps it's an "Acquired" taste, I try to improve the 2nd cup by grinding the coffee down further and adding a touch of salt, but there is no improving this. The second cup burns its way down as wretchedly as the first. I think of adjectives to describe it - "Foul", "Wretched" , "Vile" and "Caustic" all pale beside the dark rainbow of gustatory sensations this brew offers. I double check the can, but the text clearly suggests it's intended for drinking. I try to think of things that might taste like it - "Pesticide treated termite-infested shredded bark and pine-cones-blend" comes close, but again is too limiting and kind.

20 minutes after the last cup my face is still going through involuntary spasms, grimaces not only at the memory but at hidden bits of "flavour" that refresh themselves on my palate. I rinse my mouth out, spit, and brush my teeth. Twice.

Now it's a big can, and there will be no 5-6 or 7 cup mornings for a while, but I'm gonna finish it. The principle of the thing. I'm not sure if it's safe to compost, but I'll try and report back here on what evolves in the garden this spring. If I survive. What is certain is that if I do survive this the next cup of coffee I have, the next real cup, is gonna taste real good.